Sunday, 29 May 2011

Six Inches of Mosh in your Face

And no, that title is not a euphemism.

The majority of girls take a lot longer to get ready to go on a night out than the average man. I am open, however, to the possibility that there are some high maintenance lads out there. After commenting on my surprise that a male friend of mine possessed a hairdryer (which was worryingly better than mine) his response was, "Yeah, I'm not a barbarian." Isn't the world full of little surprises....

So, on that night out heels are normally the footwear of choice. And why not? They elongate the legs, force you to stand up straight, encourage you to stick your rear out and adds a couple of extra inches to your height for good measure. What's not to like about them? Apart from the fact that walking in them involves some serious concentration. It's like balancing on a tight rope, except with a little less further to fall. Still the same cold hard ground coming to meet you though.

I'm so beautiful, yet so dangerous.

Here's some handy advice that you should take from your Auntie Amy. Never, never, ever EVER wear 6 inch heels to a gig. Any gig. More importantly a metal gig.

It's asking for trouble. It's like walking up to the toughest, burliest guy in a tough, burly bar, slapping him round the face with a dead, wet fish whilst screaming his mother is a ninny, and instead of legging it out the door, you stand there and take it as he pulverises you into mush faster than a blender on a crack.

Graphic mental images aside, you see my point.

First, there's the issue of stairs. Every venue will have stairs at some point. Walking up and down steps easily is not easy to do in heels. Thankfully health and safety laws have become insane over the past few years so at least there's a rail to cling on to. If you're in one of those dingy, grotty, underground clubs in south - east London, then chances are the owner wouldn't have read the safety manual, let alone understood what it meant. Clinging to a wall for support is never classy. Especially if you've had several tequilas. Running to the loo in heels when you're absoloutely desperate is never a good option either.

Secondly, there's other people. Unlike in a club where the music is all sorted from behind a DJ booth and everyone is dancing in some fashion or another, gigs have stages. Stages involve equipment. This usually involves several guys (and gals) running around screaming about lost leads, stolen plectrums and perferated kick drums. There is no where to hide from these organised maniacs.

Although in this case, it's not so much the equipment they've lost, rather the band itself...

Once the stage is all set up, there is then the problem of the crowd. There will be a mosh pit. Or a wall of death. Either way there is no escape. These happen on any form of night, not just metal. I was at a pop, funk electro night a few weeks ago (in 6 inch wedges, tut tut) and there was moshing happening there. So yeah, a load of angry, sweaty, hormonal teenagers pushing and shoving, and there's you trying to perfectly balance on those six inches? Not happening. What is happening, is you falling over on your behind, and inflicting several nasty brusies.

Thirdly, you're halfway through the night and you think, oh my feet are beginning to ache, i'll just take them off for a few minutes to rest. Okay, stop right there you absoloute nutter. If you have ever seen a gig floor you'll understand that it is not the most pleasant place to introduce bare feet. It is about the same as walking on a shit load of used hyperdermic needles. There will be spilled drinks. And other forms of bodily fluid. And potentailly broken glass. It's not a nice place. Trying to manoevre on that in heels involves more falling bum over tit. Even thinking about doing it in bare feet makes me want to hug my feet in protection, and then giving myself a tetnus shot.

Solution: wear flats. Or perhaps kitten heels. Chances are everyone else will be wearing either skate shoes or DMs. These are significantly more brutal than a pair of stilletos. If you insist on wearing heels all the time (as I do) then invest in a pair of Doc Martens which have a sensible three inch heel, contrary to what they say, size does matter. They're also insanely comfortable and go with everything.

Do not say I didn't forewarn you.

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